Friend of the site and Best And Worst Of WWE Raw report filler-inner Chris Trew does a lot of things with his spare time — co-hosting live Raw watch parties with me, touring the country with stand-up comedy, birthing improv theaters across the southern United States and emceeing the Air Sex World Championships among them — but he’s at his best when he’s enthusiastically conversing with strangers.

That’s what makes this video so enjoyable … Trew showed up at a Hornets Draft Lottery Party at Mannings in New Orleans to interview fans of varying optimism about what they’d do if the team did or didn’t get the first pick in the draft. Highlights include a guy in a Daniel Bryan shirt who wants to loot beer, a guy straight out of Slacker who wants to start his own mini-pizza franchise and a guy who is gonna have a nice day and a pleasant dinner no matter what happens.

As we know now, David Stern worked his magic and the Hornets drafted Anthony Davis and his magnificent brow, so the clip has a happy ending. See? Trew’s a good luck charm. Maybe he’ll end up owning 3.27% of the team after all.

I’m still planning to wait until tomorrow to unleash my incredible, unparalleled NBA Draft Preview on your asses, but I’m pretty happy that the Houston Rockets have finally stirred the pot and created some excitement for us fans of franchises that blow. Apparently the Rockets are hellbent on wrangling as many first round draft picks as they can, and they took one step closer to fruition of their diabolical plan today when they shipped Chase Budinger to the Minnesota Timberwolves for the No. 18 pick.

This was perhaps the best response I saw regarding that trade.

Now the Rockets have the 14th, 16th, and 18th picks in Thursday night’s draft, and it’s no secret at all that they covet disgruntled drama queen Dwight Howard, who may or may not have once again told the Orlando Magic that he wants to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets. So are those three picks enough to get Howard?

Houston’s first-round assets will create an intriguing proposition for the Magic and their new general manager, Rob Hennigan. Just a week into his job, Hennigan will be faced with his first major player-personnel decision.

The Magic have maintained they don’t want to go through another season like they just did, when the drama surrounding Howard and his future dominated Orlando’s every move. Multiple first-round picks might be the enticing offer Orlando needs to break free from Howard. (Via USA Today)

It should be noted that aside from a few rumblings about “sources close to Howard”, Howard is still recovering from back surgery and hasn’t talked to anybody about his future since the Stan Van Gundy mess, when he had TMZ on speed dial. In fact, as far as anyone knows, Howard hasn’t even had contact with new Magic GM Rob Hennigan yet.

But while the Miami Heat celebrate and Anthony Davis trademarks his eyebrows in time to be called by the New Orleans Hornets, all we’ve got are rumors. So let’s entertain this one a little further…

Despite rumors that Howard would not sign an extension in Houston, the Rockets believe that they could sway him with his former Magic BFF Courtney Lee (already on the roster) and by signing Deron Williams to a max deal. That would leave the Brooklyn Nets – who are desperately trying to keep Williams – up poop’s creek, since they have absolutely nothing to trade for Howard. That is, unless they can miraculously trade for a first rounder, which is what they’re possibly trying to do. Even then, they’re still far away from having anything Orlando wants.

Obviously the 14th, 16th, and 18th picks aren’t enough to convince the Magic to give up their franchise player – even though they should take whatever they can get from whichever team is giving it – so the Rockets would need to sweeten the deal. According to a site I’ve never heard of but sure is chatty today, the Rockets are possibly offering the 14th and 16th pick to the Sacramento Kings for Tyreke Evans and the 5th pick, which Houston would package with the 18th pick and Kevin Martin for Howard. That’s a LOT of optimism by the Rockets front office in thinking they can keep Dwight.

And if the Magic won’t deal Howard, then it looks like it’s back to the Pau Gasol conversation for the Rockets. That’s like being excited for lobster… and ending up at Long John Silver’s.

Last week, we shared with you an unbelievable Kate Upton GQ cover and photo-shoot somebody wonderful green-lit even after Terry Richardson showed up with nothing but “wet t-shirt, popsicle” written in his Ideas Notebook. We assumed this would be the finest piece of sports (related) reporting in 2012, but we were mistaken.

That honor will go to Felesia M. Jackson of Cleveland’s The Plain Dealer for her real-time news piece entitled ‘About the NBA draft: PDQuotient’. I can’t add anything to it, so here’s the epic work reproduced in its entirety:

That’s it. That is seriously it.

It took me a few minutes to figure out that the numbers under the story weren’t another Kayak add and were a “by the numbers” style rundown of draft info, with gems like “10 – Years ago the Cavs drafted Dajuan Wagner in the first round from Memphis.” Keep in mind, I run a comedy sports blog that is 80% pro wrestling, Taiwanese animation clips and Kate Upton titty galleries and this is upsettingly bad to me. She should’ve included “0 – The amount of effort I put into this piece.”

I know things are bad in C Town right now, but Jesus, I didn’t know they were that bad. Somebody fly FEMA up there and get them to drop a few bloggers on the city, or at least someone who can follow “The draft is Thursday” with “it will feature basketball guys”.

[h/t to Fark Sports]

Last week, I was giddy like a school girl when I saw that Jack McBrayer, AKA Kenneth from my favorite show, “30 Rock”, was following me on Twitter, because as someone who watches roughly 4-6 episodes of “30 Rock” each day, that would be pretty cool. Of course it was a fake account, with someone just pretending to be McBrayer, which led a few of us to wonder, “Who the f*ck pretends to be Jack McBrayer?” And the moral of this edition of #CoolStoryBro is that people on Twitter are f*cking weird.

Case in point, yesterday there were two huge “rumors” that blew up on Twitter regarding NBA Draft news. The first came yesterday afternoon via a Tweet:

Upon first glance, you’re probably thinking, “Holy crap, are the Celtics out of their f*cking minds?” And a lot of people thought that, because it was retweeted more than 1,100 times. But if you’re more adept and you actually read stuff before reacting, you’ll notice that A) Chris Broussard’s name is misspelled, and 2) the real Broussard has almost 500,000 followers. You’d think it would be pretty obvious.

But it wasn’t, as the rumor spread so far, so fast that it actually became a news story in Boston. People were ready to rip Danny Ainge’s body to pieces and send them to the corners of Massacusetts as a warning.

To quote the legendary rap group Onyx, B-B-B-BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE!

Hours later, another Twitter rumor spread, this time that Kevin Garnett – a possible trade piece for the Celtics if they’re trying to rebuild quickly – was retiring.

Again, another fake ESPN analyst account that people didn’t bother to take 4 seconds to read before they freaked the f*ck out and RT’d it 3,200 times. And there are more, including a fake Adrian Wojnarowski, inspired by the fake Adam Schefter that fooled thousands of people during the NFL Draft. They all brag about their success, this cabal of Twitter sports trolls, as if these are the greatest accomplishments of their lives.

On one hand, it is pretty funny, because it further fuels my demand that Twitter should require an IQ test for people to have accounts. On the other hand, I have no F-ing clue what’s going on in the NBA right now, because anyone can Tweet the simplest hope – “I wish the Pistons could trade Charlie Villanueva for LeBron James.” – and it’ll be carried by at least 5 people.

And this sucks, because I’d rather be bored with no news than excited by fake news. In conclusion, this is why we need a new plague.

Originally, I was going to publish a huge NBA Draft preview yesterday that was going to provide very little actual insight while serving up a few dozen jokes about why our favorite teams suck and the rich will get richer. But instead I came down with a cold, so I’m going to settle in tonight and watch the NBA Draft from the comfort of my own couch, with some hot tea and a few vintage issues of Penthouse.

So what the hell, let’s have ourselves a live discussion while we’re at it. Will Anthony Davis scream with joy when the New Orleans pick him with the first overall pick that was in no way given to them by a corrupt commissioner? Will Davis trademark my toe hair? Will he run straight out and buy a Bentley like a responsible draft pick? How will the Charlotte Bobcats screw up their pick? By what time will Dwight Howard be a Houston Rocket? Will Royce White overcome his fear of flying to become a millionaire?

Join us tonight as we break down the NBA Draft in real time, and share this post on Facebook and Twitter to unlock the TRADEMARKED unibrow badge. And enjoy that badge until Davis tries to sue me. Don’t worry about me, though. I’m represented by Franklin and Bash.

There were a lot of heroes at last night’s NBA Draft in New Jersey, from the Boston Bros (BROSTON!) to the Knicks Bros to the ninja-like Heat Bros to this hilarious Brooklyn Nets kid and the awesome finger-wagging Knicks kid. We also got everything we expected, with New York Knicks fans booing everything, including their own draft pick, and David Stern going full WWE heel as the crowd booed him and the Heat mercilessly.

But if I had to pick a favorite thing about the draft, it’s probably the Knicks dude above, wearing an airbrushed tall T with a picture of Skip Bayless on it. He’s either the ultimate Bayless hater or the biggest ESPN fan on the planet. Either way, he proves that people who watch ESPN because they love sports or hate the network’s personalities are legitimately insane. I mean, who the hell makes an airbrushed Skip Bayless shirt?

*goes back to puffy-painting “I Love Samantha Steele” t-shirt*

So what do you think, Knicks kid – is Magic Mike going to be the greatest movie ever?

Aw, shucks.

(Image via this guy and this guy. GIF via @Jose3030.)

Back in April, two buddies decided over a few adult beverages that they wanted to have a little fun with the National Basketball Association and declare themselves eligible for the upcoming draft. It’s nothing that hasn’t been done before, but for some reason I get a kick out of it every time that someone does it, ever since a friend of mine did it in the months before we graduated high school.

(RELEVANT UPDATE: I knew I had read a similar story before, and apparently Maxim Magazine ran a story about an “average yutz” who went through the NBA Draft eligibility declaration process back in 1999. That I remembered even a hint of a Maxim article from that long ago means I wasn’t that bowled over by Melissa Joan Hart’s cover and spread.)

Except while some people might say, “Big deal, bros” to Nick Moran and Andrew Hunter for their joke, I tip my flat-billed cap with all the NBA team logos to them for not just making the joke but also taking it from coast-to-coast for the easy layup. Since receiving a letter from NBA Vice President Andy Taub, who informed them that because they graduated college in 2010 they’re actually free agents and are therefore ineligible for the NBA Draft on June 27, the friends have even created their own website called “We Declare”, hoping to catch the eye of… someone.

As for why they’re going this far, well, sh*ts and giggles, bros.

“An actual interview with an NBA team would be outstanding,” Moran said. “We’ve gotten some people questioning our legitimacy online — I’ve been reading the comments. A news conference to clarify that would not be unwelcome. … But what we can offer a team includes (and is not limited to) great camaraderie, fantastic high five choreography, good bench celebrations, and a favorable ‘height juxtaposition’ were we to stand next to some players who might be worried that they look short — next to us, they’d look like monsters.” (Via AOL)

I think NBA teams would be very wise to add two seats to the end of their benches for two fans to sit and be “part of the team”, in that they’d dress the part while offering up high fives and fist bumps. It might actually make Charlotte Bobcats tolerable for at least two people.

The WOAT duo has full, entertaining bios up at We Declare, and they will apparently be hosting their own NBA Draft party, so anyone hoping to watch two rounds of the rich getting richer and inept GMs further tanking teams can stay tuned for the updates on when and where.

Editor’s Note: This interview appears in the June issue of aXis Magazine, which is dedicated to Orlando’s culture, nightlife, sports, music, drinking, ladies, etc. and so on, which means that it was focused on the idea of Ben McLemore being drafted by the Orlando Magic later this month. But I tried to make it as NBA-centric as possible so I could share it here and not make people all angry about my horrible bias. So please enjoy.

On June 27, the Cleveland Cavaliers are presumably going to select University of Kentucky freshman Nerlens Noel with the first pick of the 2013 NBA Draft. Obviously, nothing in life is certain except for death, taxes and Kate Upton restraining orders against me, so the Cavs could take good, long looks at Alex Len, Ben McLemore or Otto Porter and decide that one of them is more in line with helping Cleveland move closer to fulfilling owner Dan Gilbert’s promise to win an NBA Championship before LeBron James. *looks around awkwardly*

Meanwhile, the Orlando Magic will be waiting with the No. 2 pick – unless they trade down, which would be fun – and it is predicted that either McLemore or Michigan guard Trey Burke will be selected there. Some people believe that McLemore is not only the most underrated gem of this year’s draft, but also maybe even the guy who deserves to be taken first. So when I was asked if I’d like to speak to him about why he believes he’d be a great fit with not only the Magic but also the City Beautiful, I said yes and put on my top hat and monocle so I’d look important.

It was a phone interview, mind you, but I still like to dress the part. McLemore was quick to win me over, as he’d done his homework on the Magic and chatted with me about his hopes for the NBA, how he’ll keep the groupies in check and what he thinks of our mutual favorite baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals.

Burnsy: For the sake of this interview, we’re going to pretend that I’m the GM of the Orlando Magic (like I should be) and you have to convince me that you’re the man that I should take with the No. 2 pick. So what qualities set you apart from the rest of the guys in this draft? Why are you Orlando’s guy?

Ben McLemore: The Orlando Magic are obviously a young team with a coaching staff that’s devoted to teaching the young guys about winning, and I think that with my upside and my ability to shoot the ball and switch up defenders, I can fit perfectly with what the Magic are trying to do.

Burnsy: What is the first thing that comes to your mind when someone says Orlando?

Ben: (laughs) Disney World.

Burnsy: Have you ever been to Disney World? If not, would you be willing to postpone your first trip until the Magic win an NBA title?

Ben: I’ve never been, so I’d like to go when I get to Orlando if the Magic draft me.

Burnsy: You probably should go right away, because history suggests that you may never go to Disney World if you agreed.

Obviously, Florida offers people a lot more than most other states, and Orlando is basically right in the center of it all, so you’d have music, culture, beaches and nightlife all readily available. How much of an influence is a city’s culture in making you feel comfortable, whether Orlando, Cleveland, Charlotte, New Orleans, etc.?

Ben: I don’t think I’ll have a problem fitting in wherever I go, because I’m good with people and I feel like can I always be personal and fit in with any city.

Burnsy: How much NBA do you watch during a season? Are you the kind of guy who just watches one team or do you watch as much of the action as possible?

Ben: I try to watch as much action as I can. I like to watch how the different teams play together on the court, how they play defense and how they just play as a team. I try to watch the players from each division and how they create for themselves and their footwork and try to use that and learn from that to put into my game and make myself better.

Burnsy: Once you’re drafted and playing in the NBA – in Orlando or some other, loser town – are you worried at all about the groupie culture? Orlando does have a lot of very, very good-looking women.

Ben: (laughs) I think I’ll be able to handle that. I’ve matured a lot.

Burnsy: As you played in college and your future as an eventual lottery pick became clearer, were there any teams that you watched and thought, “That’s a team that I can make an immediate impact for”?

Ben: Not really. I’m just glad that I have the chance to be in this situation. To be considered one of the top lottery picks, that’s a blessing. And to be able to play in the NBA is something that I’ve just always dreamed of.

Burnsy: Are you for or against the NBA’s rule that requires players to spend a year in college before they can be eligible for the draft? Is that something that helped you or would you have wanted to go pro right out of high school?

Ben: I think it definitely helped me a lot. The things like going to school and getting any academics in are definitely going to help you in the long run. At this point, I’m still thinking about going back and taking some sort of summer classes and eventually getting my degree.

Burnsy: If Andrew Wiggins would have made his decision and committed to Kansas before you declared for the draft, would that have made any difference in your choice?

Ben: I don’t think it would have made any difference. I already had my mind set and made up. I have to do what’s best for me and make the right decision for me. He obviously made a great choice by picking Kansas with the perfect coach in Bill Self and he’ll be great for the Jayhawks, but I needed to take my decision about my next step and playing in the NBA.

Burnsy: How familiar are you with the new culture that the Magic has adopted in the wake of Dwight Howard’s mishandling of his departure and trade demands? Would you feel comfortable joining a team that is dominated by young talent, as opposed to one with more veteran leadership?

Ben: I definitely would. I can give a lot, especially to a young team like the Magic. I got to play with four guys this past year and it taught me a lot about playing with veterans and experienced guys, so I was able to learn a lot more that I could take with me to the next level.

Burnsy: Analysts and critics compare your style and ability to Ray Allen. Is that a valid comparison or is there someone else you think is more fitting?

Ben: I think that’s a pretty valid comparison. He’s one of the best shooters in NBA history, so I’ve tried to watch how he does the little things and also how he shoots the ball so I can learn more. Like I said, I think it’s a great comparison.

Burnsy: Us Orlando fans, we’re a pretty tortured bunch. We’ve come close two times, missed and then lost our superstars to Los Angeles. But most of all, we just like having guys that are active in the community. Do you feel that you’re a face of the franchise type that can lead a young team on and off the court?

Ben: Oh definitely. That’s one of the things that I want to do in helping a team win and leading a team to a championship is also helping the community. Wherever I go, I want to give back and I also want to give back to my own community. I’m very fortunate to be where I am and have this opportunity, so I want to not only give back but also just socialize with my new community.

Burnsy: Like me, you’re from St. Louis, a town that hasn’t had an NBA franchise in a very long time. A lot of last month’s NBA news focused on the possibility of the Sacramento Kings moving to Seattle. Do you think that St. Louis should be the next city to get a franchise?

Ben: St. Louis is a great sports town, with baseball, football and hockey, so I don’t know why they wouldn’t get a team. I think it would be a great city for an NBA team.

Burnsy: I visited St. Louis two years ago to catch a Cardinals game and eat at Pappy’s. Are you worried at all about not having any good BBQ once you leave the Midwest?

Ben: I’m not too worried about that. I’ll miss a lot about the Midwest, but I’m ready to go somewhere and help a team win.

Burnsy: We have a place here called 4 Rivers that you’ll love, so again, Orlando is a very good destination, despite what a guy like Dwight Whoever says.

Finally, and this is probably the most important question I will ask in regard to giving you my endorsement for the No. 2 pick by the Magic. You’re a St. Louis Cardinals fan. I’m a St. Louis Cardinals fan. If the Magic pick you, are we watching the World Series together in October?

Ben: I think the Cardinals have a lot of talented guys and they can definitely win the World Series this year, so I’d definitely be watching them if they did.

Burnsy: Fine, I’ll watch it by myself.

Hey kids, ever wondered how guys like Aroldis Chapman and Matt Harvey have their awesome abilities to dominate on the mound like they do? According to George Washington University researcher Neil Roach, we’re able to throw fastballs better than our closest animals relatives, the chimpanzees, because evolution has helped humans develop the ability to store energy in our shoulders.

However, if you don’t believe in evolution, the counterargument would be that God simply prefers some athletes to others, and He also just really dislikes Jonathan Sanchez.

Now, who’s ready for some sports? Nobody? Good, because there’s jack squat on TV tonight.

CFL: Montreal at Winnipeg – 9 PM ET on NBC Sports

As with any Canadian football game, I have to ask if this is live or a repeat. I’m not sure how football works… up there.

NBA Draft Preview – 7 PM ET on ESPN
NBA Draft – 7:30 PM ET on ESPN

Why list a Draft Preview and the Draft separately? Why not just start the Draft coverage at 7 PM ET and make it easier on me? Haha, look at me complaining about anything that I can about ESPN. Anyway, here are my predictions for the first 10 picks of what is being called the worst draft since 2000 in terms of available and ready talent:

Guys who play basketball will be drafted and they may or may not end up being good NBA players for the very crappy teams that are drafting them.

Tune in tonight to see just how right I am.

I’ve been waiting all morning for this. Via Deadspin comes the supercut of NBA Commissioner David Stern being booed at last night’s 2013 NBA Draft, as the crowd at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn gave him hell before and after almost every single draft pick that he announced.

And he LOVED. IT.

I hate Stern as much as the next guy – except Kanye West, who included him among history’s greatest geniuses for some reason – but I absolutely cherish his trolling ways. Adam Silver is never going to be able to live up to this kind of villainy. It’s just downright spectacular.

Especially the remark about the international audience. God speed, you arrogant demon.

As is the case with Kentucky freshmen around this time of year, Nerlens Noel and his high-top fade officially declared for the NBA Draft. Chances are Noel is already looking up condos in either Cleveland or Charlotte, the most likely destinations to land the top spot according to mock drafts.

A big man from Kentucky going #1 isn’t unfamiliar territory, as Anthony Davis used his magical freshmen season to flip it into the top pick in last year’s draft and a gold medal later that summer. Noel’s journey is unique because he’s recovering from a season-ending knee injury in February. Prior to, the center averaged 10.5 points, 9.5 boards and 4.4 blocks.

John Calipari supported the decision. “The hard work and will to win he showed on the floor this year and the dedication and attitude he has shown in his rehab will only be a reward for him and whatever team drafts him in June.”

Fine words from a head coach. Of course, it’s easy to say that when you’ve got arguably the greatest freshman recruiting class ever – including a whopping six McDonald’s All-Americans – coming on campus in a few months. And that’s not even including the outside shot Andrew Wiggins commits.

Slam Magazine’s MULTIPLE SOURCES* stated Portland Trail Blazers’ LaMarcus Aldridge. may not be all-in on The Portland Trail Blazers’ current situation. He reportedly wants a move to the Bulls. LaMarcus refuted those claims but, even if he’s telling the truth, athletes’ history in backtracking trade talks don’t help. Additionally, there’s no indication of a trade being influenced by his love for Chicago’s deep dish pizzas.

Portland has one of the best young PG’s today in Damien Lillard but have next to no bench support. However Chicago’s bench isn’t worlds better and Thibs makes his core guys work overtime. Aldridge would still log close to 40 minutes a game as he’s been doing for five years running. Additionally, who knows how he’d play with Derrick Rose.

At the same time this rumor could open the opportunity for Chicago to make good on their puzzling 2006 Draft Day trade. The Bulls selected LaMarcus second overall but traded him for then-fourth pick Tyrus Thomas. Aldridge progressed one of the league’s best power forwards while Tyrus became a dummy with hops.

Any inkling of Chicago improving their front line has to get their fans excited. So excited, in fact, they’re probably heading to ESPN’s Trade Machine to play desktop GM. What potential trades do you have lined up?

Personally, I can’t see any deal without a Carlos Boozer exit strategy. The easy option calls for moving Boozer’s acrylic hairline and Jimmy Butler to Portland for LMA. Chicago loves Jimmy but you have to give value to get value. Besides, seeing Boozer go should be a joyful event for the Madhouse faithful anyway. Possibly seeing LMA get traded back to Chicago tonight would be a cool, full-circle moment for basketball geeks as well.

* — Slam cited The Oregonian and Chicago’s Daily Herald. I just couldn’t let an opportunity to hike on Chris Broussard slip away.

Kobe Bryant should’ve been a New Jersey Net. And, yes, I’m sober while typing these words. While the first statement may seem blasphemous to some, nearly two decades ago, the idea nearly became a fact. Follow me if you will.

In June 1996, the annual NBA Draft took place in New Jersey at The Prudential Center, the Nets home arena. During an already wild draft that saw Stephon Marbury and Ray Allen’s draft rights swapped, along with Shareef Abdur-Rahim becoming the highest drafted freshman ever, there was speculation amid the room about then Nets coach John Calipari’s interest in Kobe Bryant, an uber-talented high school wing player out of Philadelphia. Already locked and loaded on the defensive front line, it was no secret that New Jersey was in need of a wing scorer to boost their porous offensive ranking.

Gushing over Bryant’s skill and potential after seeing him throughout his high school career and in pre-draft workouts, people were waiting to see if he would actually bite at the prep star with the seventh pick. Another rumored possibility was pulling the trigger and drafting a more proven commodity like Villanova’s star wing player and local favorite Kerry Kittles. Even draft commentators Hubie Brown and Rick Pitino broached the subject repeatedly, adding fuel to the fire.

When all was said and done, Coach Cal opted to go with Kittles, thus dropping the ball and the greatest scorer of our generation. When asked why he chose Kittles instead of Bryant, Calipari stated that even though Kobe Bryant was a “great player,” he felt that with the position the Nets were in as a team and franchise Kerry was the better overall fit. Kobe would eventually fall to Charlotte at the 13th pick and would be traded to the Lakers. After that, I’m pretty sure you know the rest.

But what would have became of Kobe had Coach Cal decided to select Kobe instead of Kittles? Yes, Bryant was one of the most talented prep players scouts had ever seen, but would he have flourished and become the closest thing to MJ we’ve seen thus far? Would his will to win and gym rat tendencies carry over well with an organization whose fans were once known to wear paper bags over their heads due to the tragic events happening on the court, year after year?

Coach Cal’s tenure in the NBA was short-lived to say the least, but would it have been extended by having a talent like the Black Mamba in the fold? We all know coaches’ fates are more determined by the strength of their roster than their actual coaching skills, and the Nets lineup was pretty much anemic.

But maybe Bryant would’ve started off his career more LeBron than Pippen (a phenomenal player struggling to break out of the shadow of his more dominant teammate), and carried the Nets to respectability à la King James’ memorable early playoff runs with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Would Kobe still be Top 10 dead or alive had he went to the Nets, or would he have become Martell Webster?

Since all of these questions are hypothetical, we’ll never know, but at least a basketball junkie can speculate.

Photos: Getty Images

Well, the Bill Simmons experiment has gone terribly awry for ESPN broadcasting and he officially jumped the shark last night during the NBA Draft coverage. ESPN has embraced homerism on their network for the most part (think Mike Greenberg as a Jets fan), but Simmons is incapable of having any objectivity about his teams.

Last night it came to a head as he has insisted on saying Doc Rivers bailed on the Celtics by jumping ship after signing a five-year extension a couple of years ago…even though it’s abundantly clear that the Celtics are unloading their assets to tank next season for a run at Andrew Wiggins rebuilding.

ESPN asked Doc about Simmons’ comments and he delivered a swift haymaker.

The awkwardness after they cut back to Simmons and co. is palpable as Jalen Rose is literally leaning back as if to say “I don’t want any part of this.” Simmons fires back, but he’s at a loss here.

The fact of the matter is Bill Simmons used to- you know what, I’ll just let Rivers’ son Jeremiah take over. I can’t top it.

Spot on. Then, of course, there’s this article from a few years before Doc won an NBA championship that should tell you all you need to know.

My take? Bill Simmons was wrong about Doc Rivers all those years back. As wrong as anyone could be about anything. And he’s trying to use this opportunity to say “I told you so,” but it’s all blowing up in his face.

Or maybe he’s still distraught over the MLK assassination. Who knows?

Previously — Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce And Jason Terry Traded To Brooklyn Nets For Multiple Players, Future Picks

Photo: Getty Images

Via SI

As a lot of people expected from the start of his college career with the Duke Blue Devils, Jabari Parker is a one-and-done. To his credit, though, he kept most of us in suspense during the season, NCAA Tournament, and especially in the weeks since Duke was bounced by Mercer. He made his decision official today in a piece for Sports Illustrated that he co-wrote with Jeff Benedict, and he touched on everything from the pain of losing his first (and now only) NCAA Tournament game to choosing between his friends and success at the ultimate level in his sport.

Parker claims that aside from the incredible luxury of playing for “the godfather of college basketball” Mike Krzyzewski, one thing that made him want to stay at Duke was knowing that his friend, Jahlil Okafor, will be there next season, as will three more talented prospects. Such is the culture of Duke, of course, as the rich get richer. But it ultimately boiled down to “two simple questions.”

Which environment — college or the NBA — offers me the best opportunity to grow as a basketball player?

Which environment — college or the NBA — offers me the best opportunity to grow and develop off the court?

The answer to both questions is undeniably the NBA.

There is something else. My father, Sonny, played in the NBA. I know firsthand that the career span of a pro basketball player is finite. The lucky ones play until their mid-30s. With that perspective, I shrink my professional career with each year that I remain in college. It’s ironic, but true. (Via Sports Illustrated)

That’s just a small sample of a much larger explanation that’s worth reading in full. You can say that he’s just overanalyzing the obvious – that he wants to get paid already – or he’s being a classy gentleman, a rarity in sports, by at least offering his gratitude and appreciation for his time at Duke. Or, as a third option, you’re like me, a fan of a shitty mid-market team, just praying that he’s the one that your team selects in this year’s draft. Of course, we should probably all just accept that he’s going to be a Laker and our teams will never win.

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You probably know that the 2014 NBA Draft is taking place right now on ESPN, unless you lost track of it between all of the World Cup patriotism today or the nonstop “WHERE THE F*CK IS LEBRON GOING TO PLAY?!?!” headlines on every website from here to the Plushie Love Free Forum. Now, if you’re completely clueless to what the NBA Draft is, it’s basically where the NBA teams that really sucked this past season try to make decisions that will help their franchises moving forward, like picking the best player available with their selections and praying that the player will not only be good, but won’t leave them for Los Angeles, Boston, New York or Miami in a few years.

Sometimes those picks end up working out great for the teams, but I’d speculate that more often than not, they end up being terrible, and the teams that make the worst picks end up on annual listicles as the targets of bad jokes. Like, for example, the Cleveland Cavaliers have the No. 1 pick for the second year in a row, but after picking Anthony Bennett last year, they hope to actually use their No. 1 pick this year. That was just an example off the top of my head, but I hope you get the point. But the biggest thing to pay attention to tonight is the fashion, because NBA Draft picks have a long history of wearing some pretty awesome outfits.

Let’s take a look back at the last 30 years of NBA Draft fashion so you’ll understand why this year’s No. 1 pick Andrew Wiggins looks like this tonight:

Via Women's Wear Daily

Pretty snazzy duds, right? Well, he’s just continuing in a long line of sharp-dressed men (listen to that song in another window while you take this trip down memory lane) like 1984 No. 1 pick Hakeem Olajuwon, to get us started.

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First of all, David Stern’s 80s mustache game was hella tight. But much more importantly, Olajuwon’s tuxedo is the truest mark of NBA Draft fashion. That’s a man who understands both the importance and elegance of tonight’s event. Unfortunately, the tux never caught on as a universal thing. Some guys stuck to suits, but others still tried to look like a groomsman at a South Beach cocaine dealer’s wedding, like Chuck Person in 1986 (second from left).

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Person may not have ended up as one of the league’s all-time greats, but he was responsible for one of the best character posters ever made. They don’t make them like that anymore.

By 1989, the NBA Draft had become about as stylish as a political convention. Look at this boring group of guys who look like they were just bused in for a Richard Marx concert in Vermont:

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So boring. Well, aside from one insanely awesome mullet, the 1990 Draft wasn’t much better. These guys are here to see Michael Damien rock on:

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Dwayne Schintzius never gets enough credit for that mullet. You won’t see that kind of hair action at the NBA Draft these days. If you ask me, Doug McDermott really let us down this year. In 1991, the suits didn’t get much crazier, but at least the Draft’s photo session became a little more fun thanks to Larry Johnson and his “I’m ready to pork you babes” club outfit.

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A few years would pass, with plenty of boring suits in between, before Jalen Rose would become the Suit Game All-Star that the Draft so desperately needed.

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If you’re not going to wear a tux, you might as well dress like a Dick Tracy character. But Rose wasn’t even the best suit that year. That honor went to Samari Walker.

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Just amazing. Simply remarkable. Meanwhile, Steve Nash brought you a basketball for your Bar Mitzvah.

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At a few points during last night’s NBA Draft, I was worried that ESPN was trying a little too hard to play the emotional angle with some of the young basketball talents by asking about family members or friends that they’ve lost along the way. For example, after Marcus Smart was drafted by the Boston Celtics, he was asked about his brother, Todd Westbrook, who lost his battle with cancer 10 years ago, and has since been the driving force behind Smart’s passion for basketball. After Adreian Payne was drafted by the Atlanta Hawks, he was asked about his little sister and best friend, “Princess” Lacey Holsworth, who passed away several months ago after becoming a household name during the NCAA Tournament.

But unlike, say, pressing Bode Miller about his deceased brother until he cries, it was all done very well and in proper taste, perhaps because it was leading up to something bigger. Before the Chicago Bulls could make their selection at No. 16, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver “drafted” Isaiah Austin from Baylor University so he could fulfill his dream of going pro, after it was revealed last week that his career is over because he was diagnosed with Marfan syndrome. It’s been a hell of a wild ride early on for Silver, but he’s doing a pretty great job. Maybe he can find a nice executive gig for Austin, too.

Adam Silver, Dante Exum (Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports)

The 2014 NBA Draft has come and gone. There were cheers, tears, surprises and more flashy suits than you can count on one hand. Most importantly, however, Thursday night served as a key stepping stone for the league’s 30 teams as they attempted to improve their rosters and take the next step up in the NBA’s hierarchy. It was also an opportunity to showcase where this future talent comes from and share origin stories that can only warm the heart.

We take a look at the five winners from the 2014 NBA Draft:

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5. NBA Developmental League

Two under-the-radar players made history on Thursday night. P.J. Hairston became the first-ever player with experience in the D-League to be selected in the first round of the NBA Draft, while Thanasis Antetokounmpo is now the first international player who used the D-League in order to get to the NBA.

Hairston, 21, was drafted by the Miami Heat with the No. 26 overall pick, but was then traded to the Charlotte Hornets. The guard played with the Texas Legends this past season, averaging 21.5 points and 1.5 steals in 26 games. Hairston is talented on both ends of the floor, but attitude issues have surrounded him and it will certainly be interesting to see whether or not he can remain calm and positive in Charlotte.

Thanasis Antetokounmpo – the older brother of Bucks’ budding star Giannis – appeared in 50 games with the Delaware 87ers and averaged 12 points and 4.5 rebounds. The 21-year-old is still extremely raw, and must develop a consistent outside jumper, but is undoubtedly worthy of New York’s second-round selection last night.

The D-League continues to make its impact known and it is only a matter of time before all of the league’s thirty teams not only have single affiliation, but also take the “minor-league” system seriously.

4. Boston Celtics

The Celtics selected Marcus Smart with the No. 6 overall pick, acquiring a tough, strong point guard who may be able to replace Rajon Rondo. Yes, his shot needs work, but his defense is already at the NBA level, and he’s a competitor who won’t shy away from the challenges the NBA presents.

Along with Smart, Boston snagged James Young with the No. 17 slot. The former Kentucky star can shoot and plays with a lot of energy. We all know he can throw down a solid dunk from time to time, too:

3. Knicks Fans
They deserve this. After all of the suffering of late, New York has something to be excited about. With no draft picks just a few days ago, Phil Jackson maneuvered his way into the second round and picked up two talented players in Cleanthony Early (No. 34) and Antetokounmpo (51) who may end up being steals for the Knicks in the second round.

Click for the top two…

NBA Draft (Brad Penner- USA TODAY Sports)

The Toronto Raptors targeted Syracuse guard Tyler Ennis in the first round last night. When he went to the Phoenix Suns at No. 18, general manager Masai Ujiri went with the second prospect on his draft board, a player no one had heard of coming into the draft.

When the Raptors selected Bruno Caboclo from Brazil, there was an audible silence in the draft room, on the ESPN panel, and from basketball fans everywhere. Somehow, in an age where mock drafts are churned out on an hourly basis, none of us had Caboclo on the board or had much information about him at all.

Here’s the skinny on the Raptors pick: he’s 6-foot-9, and at 18 years old, is the youngest player taken in this year’s draft. Among prospects born in 1995, he was ranked 18th by Draft Express. Actual basketball footage of Caboclo is scarce, here’s one that we found which doesn’t tell us very much except he has a lot of athletic potential:

Ujiri and head coach Dwane Casey did talk to the media afterwards. Casey tells Eric Koreen of The National Post, he was impressed by what he saw from Caboclo during a pre-draft workout:

The Raptors first noticed him at Basketball Without Borders in 2013, and two Raptors scouts watched Caboclo play at a tournament in Brazil in December. They told Ujiri to check him out, and he flew to Brazil three times to watch him play.

Raptors coach Dwane Casey said he recently saw Caboclo working out in Houston. Casey conceded that only “three or four” teams knew of Caboclo, but they were worried that he would not make it to the 37th pick, which the Raptors eventually used on Connecticut forward DeAndre Daniels.

“Bruno is an athletic phenomenon,” Casey said. “At 20, you’re not going to get a perfect player, but this young man has a chance to hit it big. He’s raw. But he’s going to be a guy that’s going to develop in our program, grow and do a lot of things for us. Defensively, he’s long. He covers a lot of ground down in a stance. He blocks shot with his length.”

And then there’s this:

Some info from a North American source: Utah and Phoenix were hot after Caboclo, would have taken him if on the board with next picks

— Ryan Wolstat (@WolstatSun) June 27, 2014

Same North American source: Raptors promised Caboclo many months ago. That’s why he didn’t do workouts.

— Ryan Wolstat (@WolstatSun) June 27, 2014

The Raptors weren’t the only team who had an eye on Caboclo. It should be noted Ujiri was enamored with Giannis Antetokounmpo‘s raw athleticism in last year’s draft and tried to trade up to select him. Caboclo’s appeal is similar.

According to the Raptors, Caboclo will play in the summer league and join the team for training camp. We’ll get a first-hand look at the most surprising first round pick from last night very soon.

Oh, and there’s this front page of a Toronto newspaper today:

Quite a @TheTorontoSun cover for #Raptors fans on Friday. pic.twitter.com/AwpM4pYHTn

— Mike Koreen (@Mkor1980) June 27, 2014

What do you think?

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Andrew Wiggins (Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports)

Steve Martin is a standup comedian, actor and one half of the “wild and crazy…” Festrunk Brothers, but he’s also a connoisseur of draft-night sartorial choices. Martin took an interest in Andrew Wiggins‘ “wild and crazy” outfit when Wiggins was selected as the No. 1 pick in last night’s draft.

Wiggins’ suit jacket caused a stir in Brooklyn last night, and some NBA fans noted it’s similarity with Martin’s outfit from his timeless comedy, ¡Three Amigos!. Jemele Hill, Co-host of ESPN’s “Numbers Never Lie,” wanted to know who wore it better. Martin thinks his blingy sombrero gives him the edge.

You gotta have the hat. RT @BiGGCAiN24: @jemelehill Who wore it better pic.twitter.com/bCfxs9X8qH @SteveMartinToGo or @22wiggins??

— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) June 27, 2014

Who wore it better?

Follow Spencer on Twitter at @SpencerTyrel.

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